My Girlfriend Cheated On Me With A Girl
Well, this is an odd predicament to find oneself in. A two-pronged attack, if you like. And there’s probably a lot of uncertainty about how to feel or what to do.
There’s some hurt, yep, definitely some of that. Anger? You’d be well within your right. Confusion? Well, unless you’re a woman yourself (in which case I’d assume you already knew your girlfriend liked other women…), or you had prior knowledge of past same-sex dalliances, you should be feeling pretty darn confused right about now.
What you need to understand is that cheating is cheating, no matter whom your girlfriend cheated with; the sex of the person is irrelevant. You and she made a commitment to be exclusive, and now you’re wondering if you skipped past the small print clause.
There tends to be this unspoken belief that a woman having a same-sex affair isn’t cheating. If this is your school of thought, you might not be as upset as you would be had she done the nasty with Jose, her buff Latino tennis instructor.
That said, you’re still left with a lot of questions that you’re afraid to ask her… or yourself. We’ll try to answer some of them; we’ll explore how this might have happened and what it could mean for your relationship going forward, if there is to be one.
How the heck did this happen?
You were certain she was straight, though you probably never asked her because, well, you were certain. I mean, duh, right? She would have mentioned something before, surely. It’s not the 1950’s – people don’t get persecuted for their sexual orientation.
And you’re not stupid or walking around with your head in the sand, so you would have noticed something unusual about her interactions with you versus her interactions with other women. Right?
But now you’re left wondering if there have been blatant red flags all along. Now you’re starting to think that your plaid shirt that she’s claimed as her own and constantly wears around the house might have been a sign. Now you’re doubtful that the L-Word DVDs you saw in her Amazon order history were really for a friend…
She might be bisexual
Perhaps there were subtle signs you ignored, but it’s not really that cut and dry. If, for instance, your girlfriend has always been attracted to both men and women, there likely wouldn’t have been any “signs” per se, certainly nothing to raise your suspicions. It’s not as though the sight of you would repulse her.
Bisexual people tend to have a preference, and up until her tryst with her lady friend, men might have been hers. Or maybe you might have been her preference. You were meeting all of her needs, and she saw no reason to step outside of the relationship, until now.
The truth is, people, women especially, cheat for a number of reasons unrelated to sex. And no, watching too much Ellen usually isn’t one of them. Lacking an emotional connection with their partner, however, is high on that list.
If your girlfriend has felt disconnected from you lately, or you’re not meeting her emotional needs, this might have caused her to look elsewhere for someone who could.
Women are usually more affectionate than men. A man needs to be attentive and responsive if he wants his girlfriend to feel loved. Some women don’t need a lot of physical attention, but they always crave emotional intimacy. This might be the connection your girlfriend needed at the time.
Is she merely experimenting?
We live in the freedom age, where people are free to experiment as they wish, as long as it’s legal. We also live in an age where younger generations like to do what’s trendy.
Experimenting in the bedroom isn’t new; like bell-bottoms, it was super trendy in the 70’s and made a comeback in recent years. This could be the wave your girlfriend got swept up by.
If this is the case, and her tryst was a simple experiment, something she got out of her system and has no desire to repeat, she’s in good company. You’d be surprised how many happily married heterosexual women conducted similar experiments in college (graduates neglect to mention that the best education they received had nothing to do with their degree…).
In order for you to stand a chance at getting past her infidelity, you need to be convinced that there was nothing more to it. If she came clean about it immediately after it happened, and she’s adamant that it was just a silly fling, a passing phase, that may be the truth.
If you’re at all doubtful, however, it might be best to give her time and space to figure out what she really wants. Temporary separation to allow for some self-discovery wouldn’t be a lot to ask, if you really love her. Only start to worry if the next time you see her she’s sporting a Justin Bieber haircut and some Doc Martens!
Did you turn her gay?
It’s an illogical question, but one you’re asking yourself anyway: did something about you turn your girlfriend gay? Did you refuse to shave your chest hair when she expressed distaste? Does your whining and complaining make her think she’s dating a woman already, so she thought she’d get the real thing? Or have your anatomical differences become too much of a hassle for her?
Your ego doesn’t want to believe that you, your personality, or your biology could be revolting enough to make her give up men altogether. The idea is nonsensical, of course, and deep down you know this, but you still want reassurance.
Well, here it is: A person can’t turn someone gay, that’s not generally how it works. It was either something that was always present, or something she became open to later in life. You, my friend, have nothing to do with it. You’re not that special, so kindly remove thine head from thine rear.
Now, we’ve already established that emotional or physical negligence on your part can prompt someone to seek refuge someplace else, but that’s a different story. Ultimately, though, if she’s sought out the affections of a woman, she’s done so out of desire. I can almost guarantee that you were the farthest thing from her mind on that fateful night.
So stop beating yourself up about it. She had free will, and she chose to cheat. Whether it was with a man or woman, it was her decision in the end – no one forced her into it.
If you forgive her, will she ever be content with you?
As mentioned above, it’s usually easier for men to get over their girlfriends cheating with other women (I’ve actually heard of instances where men laugh it off and don’t give it a second thought).
But then another question arises: will she ever truly be satisfied with you once she’s taken a bite of the “forbidden fruit”? Did all the other apples pale in comparison to the apple Eve had that one time in Eden?
You also have to ask yourself if you’ll be able to put your suspicions aside every time she hangs out with her female friends or associates. Will you be able to trust that her “girls’ night in” isn’t a “girls’ night in bed”?
There will always be doubt in your mind about your suitability for her going forward. How can you be sure that you, a guy – with all of your guy parts, are what she really wants? Is it just a matter of time before she finds the next lady to “experiment” with?
This feeling of inadequacy is normal after any betrayal, let alone one with someone so different from you. There will be things she can get from her female lover that she can’t get from you, and vice versa. What she deems more important will ultimately be the deciding factor in whether she stays or goes.
It’s a confusing time for you, and you might not know which way to turn. Your first stop should be to find out how she really feels about the other woman, or women in general. Only then can you really move forward as a couple, if that’s something you even want to do.