How To Get Over A Breakup You Caused
Getting over a breakup under normal circumstances, i.e., when you and your partner have come to a mutual agreement to end things, is hard enough. Getting over a breakup you caused yourself is ten times harder.
Your reasons for causing it could be numerous; you cheated, you weren’t pulling your weight, you were pulling a bit too much weight (you got fat, all right!), you fell out of love and/or lust, you refused to grow and evolve with your partner… The list is endless.
Whatever happened, that wonderful relationship has come to an end, it’s time to deal with it. You’ve exhausted all the options for a reconciliation (I’m assuming. If not, then what the heck are you waiting for? Go try to get that sucker back!).
Now it’s time to face the music: it’s time to move on. Here are 10 tips that can help you get over an ex you weren’t quite ready to lose.
1. Figure Out What You Did Wrong
If it’s not immediately obvious, you’re gonna have to do some soul-searching to find out where you went wrong, if in fact you were to blame. This is an important first step, as you might find that you weren’t the problem after all.
But if you were, then you need to take note of this so that it doesn’t happen again with the next guy or gal who comes your way. Sadomasochists can just skip right over this step.
You’re gonna feel crappy for a long time, going over all the things you could have done differently. It’s not fun being the master of your own demise. That’s where tip 2 comes in…
2. Give Yourself Time to Grieve
Pain sucks, and no one expects you to be brave and zen about it. Regardless of why the split occurred, you need time to grieve. Don’t make the mistake of jumping into a new relationship while you’re still in pain, otherwise you risk repeating previous mistakes.
Processing your feelings is a journey that needs ample time. You’re not on the clock or anything — there’s no need to rush. This Healthline article sets out the 5 stages of grief, and what to expect. It applies to all types of loss, thus it applies here.
3. Delete Everything
Numbers: theirs, their relatives and friends, the number for their favorite takeout place, special dates in calendars that are associated with them. When counting to 100, skip their date of birth!
Deleting numbers takes away the temptation to drunk-call and beg them to take you back. This way you hold on to your dignity and free up space in your phone. Win win.
Photos: the two of you together, your ex on their own, your ex having fun, your ex and their pet (because exes with their pets can totally trigger you. Don’t ask me why), landmarks that remind you of them – Nelson’s Column, I’m looking at you.
Messages: sweet texts, sexy texts, texts where you’re arguing, funny memes they sent you, emails for reservations you made together, old Amazon receipt emails for items you bought for them, voice notes or voicemails they left you.
Media: songs that remind you of them, songs that single, lonely people play, movies you watched together, movies where everyone’s happy, all romantic comedies.
4. Avoid Social Media
Nothing is worse than seeing an ex you didn’t want to lose move on, and do so well, without you. That burns like acid. Social media status updates are every newly single person’s nightmare.
Follows on your ex’s social media account should have already been deleted in The Great Tip Number 3 Purge, so they should no longer show up. You should probably unfollow any mutual friends you share with your ex, just to be on the safe side. It doesn’t have to be permanent.
Happy couples (or those pretending to be happy for social media) tend to constantly post their happiness for the world to see. Block them all. They’ll only make you feel more miserable than you already are. Unfriending and unfollowing will save your life!
5. Spend More Time With Friends
Now that you’re single again, you can take advantage of your newfound free time by catching up with old friends.
Friends are a great substitute for the companionship you lost. They’ll also act as shoulders to cry on, or acquiescent yesmen who will agree with every horrible thing you say about your ex. Because that’s what good friends do.
Friends will even boost your self-esteem by telling you things you want to hear (that are probably not true). Like, “You can do better”, and “There are plenty more fish in the sea”, or even, “It’s his/her loss”. All good friends tell good lies.
6. Create a Breakup Playlist
The right kind of music can play a major role in getting over a breakup. You can create a playlist that helps you feel better and elevates your mood when doing everyday things, like driving to work, or cleaning the house.
Songs written about breakups can be good, depending on who’s singing them. The mopey stuff won’t help you. What you really need are songs filled with revenge and insults. Or not…
Dance music can be therapeutic. It’s good to let loose and go wild, forget all your troubles. House and dance music will allow you to do that.
Heavy/death metal seems to do the trick when you’re in a dark place following a breakup. But don’t listen to it for too long, otherwise it will eat your soul!
7. Work Out
Working out is a great way to get over a breakup. You need to put all of that excess energy you have from not doing your regular… ahem… bedroom exercises into something.
Exercising also releases endorphins, which give you the kind of ‘high’ illicit drugs usually give. Or, uh, so I’ve heard.
Any type of cardio will do wonders when you’re in one of your moods and need a way to let off steam. Boxing, jogging, and weightlifting are just some of the intensive workouts that you could adopt.
The added benefit of working out is that you can level up. Getting in shape means you can attract new attention. Which is great for when you’re ready to bounce back and reenter the dating market. (There’s also the possibility that your ex sees your hot new bod and regrets ever letting you go. Mwahahahaha!)
8. Rebound Relationship
While this isn’t recommended until at least some of the scars from the breakup have healed, you might find that seeking a new lover heals your broken heart a lot faster.
We’re all adults here; we have needs. Affection, in all of its forms, is something everyone craves. If you need it you should go get it. Just be sure to set boundaries. Let your new partner know from the start that you’re not looking for anything serious. The last thing you want is for your rebound to get attached. Yikes!
9. Buy a Toy
Toys are good. Toys are fun. Toys come in all shapes, sizes and colors. Toys have settings that meet different people’s needs. Toys are delivered in nice, discreet packaging, so the judgmental mailman won’t know what’s inside.
Toys are loyal (until the batteries run out). Toys don’t have demands. Toys don’t get jealous when you play with other toys.
So get a toy.
10. Get a Pet
A cat or dog is the best companion. They love you unconditionally, don’t expect anything from you except food, water and occasional affection, and they’ll cost way less than your ex did.
Depending on which pet you choose, you might be so busy with it that you won’t even notice you’re single.
But don’t get too used to this way of life. Pets are not a longterm substitute for real, human companionship. Every crazy cat lady and depressed dog man started out just like you. You don’t want to end up just like them.
Disclaimer: Pets aren’t for seasons (or mood swings). Only get one if you love animals and are committed to having one in your life permanently.
Your breakup isn’t the end of the world, no matter what you did to cause it. Don’t be too hard on yourself. In time, what you’ll find is that things just weren’t meant to be. Just use this as a teachable moment, and do better going forward.